When awake, with a clear mind, you are at your most objective. The opposite state is your inner subjective or unconscious nature. We all have this polarity between the waking and the unconscious aspects of our soul-life. Jung has explained how the unconscious part in us relates to the opposite sex. This polarity is why we are attracted to people with a gender polarity compared to our own, regardless of our physical sex. The man within a woman is what she is searching for, and it is the opposite for a man. We project the aspects within us upon the other person and think that is the final solution.
If you are dominated by a masculine nature in the sense of being the yang factor in your relationship, you will not only tend to initiate actions, be self-assertive and even dominate others by expressing your decisions and opinions, you will also have a stronger ability to separate things or take a distance. You are more objective, but less sensitive.
If you are dominated by a female nature in the sense of being the yin factor in your relationship, you will tend to facilitate the existence for both of you, to take care and act to make the life of your partner easier and more comfortable; your decisions will include your partner and you will also have a stronger ability to connect all aspects of both your lives. You will tend to be more sensitive and more easily moved emotionally by your partner.
A masculine dominated separator will tend to have a job that has little connection with the home. The family might not be familiar with their colleagues or know much about the job, and the colleagues might not even know if they are married or have children. A masculine separator can have different interests or activities, and each will belong to a different world with little cross-over or connection. People of one activity will not be connected with the people in a different activity they take part in.
The connector, on the other hand, will by nature inter-connect most of the aspects and people in their lives. They will strongly feel how home-life and work-life influence each other. They will talk to their family about their colleagues and work and everybody at work will know their partner’s name and how many kids they have and what they do. They will recommend and inter-connect people from one group to another. These are great clients for any therapist since they make others come to you too.
Separators tend to use their head, mind and mental faculties more than the heart, while connectors use their heart, soul and emotions rather than their mental nature when relating to others.
In traffic, the separator competes and always feels that people get in their way, cut in from sideways to slow them down or do not follow the rules and neglect to make the proper signals.
The connector will be concerned not to disturb others or be in their way. They will wait to take action to see if there might be a risky or dangerous situation coming from other’s actions.
They slow down before a road junction in case the light should start to turn from yellow to red. The separator is the opposite; they will speed up before a road junction to make sure they can cross before the light starts to turn and they even speed up when the light starts to turn.
If two cars are approaching the road junction and the first is driven by a connector, chances are that the separator will speed up while the connector slows down when the light turns yellow. They might collide or the separator will notice just in time and angrily honk the horn, shouting loudly.
Also at home the separator has a stronger need for his/her own space. It could be a room dedicated to their hobbies or activities. They will be good at getting their separate space and time; everybody around them will know they cannot be disturbed and their space cannot be interfered with either. They do not like their things being moved and they have them in set and separate places.
The connector will easily put away very different things in the same pile or box, while the separator would never even think about jumbling such things together. In the hands of the connector, the belongings of the separator will disappear in piles, under the things of the connector, or in boxes the separator would never think could be used to store that sort of thing. The separator always knows where they have their things like keys, scissors, tape, wrapping paper, gift cards etc. The connector will look and look, or get a new thing again or use what is available or ask the separator to do it, or fix it. The connector, on the other hand, will put more effort into the experience and atmosphere and not mind so much if it is messy when guests arrive or if the bed sheets should have been changed, or if the dishes are not done before doing something nice together.
In their mind the separator has organized things in boxes, lists, separate compartments or themes that are distinct and well defined. The connector will relate and associate everything and feel deeply that nothing can be separated from anything in the deepest sense. This makes the connector more towards the messy side and the separator more towards the tidy side.
In conflicts, the separator will tend to argue that this is not related, or that we have to keep to the issue at hand, or that they already had decided where that thing should be stored. The connector will say it is not important as long as we are together in it; they do not mind that they disagree if it does not affect the connection, care and love.
The separator tends to speak about “Me and you” and the connector about “we” when expressing or explaining. In challenging times the connector will say, “We can manage anything as long as we are in it together”. The separator will say, “We can manage anything as long as the bills, house, work etc. are ok”. Read: “As long as this and that separate thing are done, there is time or space for the separate me and you too”.
The separator will be occupied about the education of their friends and if they are able to have an intelligent conversation, a conversation that is logical, built on facts and sane arguments or opinions. The connector will be occupied about how they take care of each other and enjoy each other’s company. How they care despite disagreements or difference in opinion, because their love and care for each other and sharing a nice experience is more important than the difference in opinions of world-views. The separator will be hunting for space to share their arguments, passing on information or telling stories. Getting their own separate time and space is what matters. The connector is a good listener, asks questions, encourages, approves or congratulates and expresses gratitude or says that they are impressed and enjoy listening to the separator.
The separator is occupied with facts, science and evidence, while the connector is occupied with culture, art and experiences.
These two are so different and yet so dependent on each other. A man with a strong separator character will have a subconscious that is the opposite, a connector hidden in the dark basement of his soul. To become a whole person, to widen his horizon, he will feel the need to connect with the connector, what Jung calls his anima. He cannot become whole without it. Inside there is a driver that drives him into situations that will give him the challenges needed to achieve this. It is like a magnetic attraction that will pull and push him into situations where he one day will realize that the final answer is to be found within himself. The hidden treasure within, his inner princess becoming his inner queen.
When this man is disturbed, challenged or in a quarrel and not able to master the situation he is in and does not manage to remain peaceful, then he is dominated by his anima, which is still sub-conscious. He is in the basement of his soul; he is in a dark, confused state. His connector is unconscious and hence his desire to reconcile, unite and connect is felt. His anima is coming to his awareness without him being able to express or manifest it to its full potential. He is not mastering it yet. He will complain that his partner is not loving, giving him enough care or being nice with him, while it is he himself who is not able to express this second nature in the shadows of his soul, still subconscious. Since this is what he needs to be a whole being, he is attracted to the partner who is able to express exactly what he is not able to express yet. The partner he knows deep within is just what he needs.
But wise nature has made it such that as men get older the drive of the separator diminishes and the connector emerges more. Grandfather stage is a good time to let the connector flourish. For some, it becomes overwhelming and everything becomes very emotional, bringing on tears of joy for the least good news.
A person with a strong connector is the opposite. Their separator is in the dark; they get attracted to people with a strong separator. When in trouble, when challenged or in conflict their animus (masculine counterpart of anima) comes forward with masculinity from the dark basement, like an uneducated male who is full of opinions, discrimination and need to discern. It is like the woman who, whenever she has an argument with her husband screams “I am leaving you first thing in the morning”, “I am packing all my stuff tomorrow”, “All men are the same” etc. Women getting in touch with their animus might also become more self-assertive even to a point where they are disconnected with the needs of their partner. During challenging times they might be sexually self-assertive, taking initiative and dominating their partner.
In the same way the separator needs to cultivate and become aware of the nature of their connector, the connector also needs to be able to separate things and create some distance. But it does not need to mean that the distance has to be physical. It is rather a question of seeing the other person as a separate being with their own path and their own needs to explore, experience, become challenged and make choices. And most important is to accept that their choices are not done to hurt or injure the other. They were not done from a “we-perspective” but from an “I-perspective”. Becoming more “I” oriented themselves makes them aware of these aspects of reality that are second nature to the separator.
You could say the separator with its mental logical domination is searching for the princess of love and beauty in its own anima. One day s/he will be able to realize within their soul this archetype of Eros and enter into the internal marriage, the alchemical wedding of King and Queen.
The connector with emotional, love domination is searching for the prince with wisdom and initiative, one day being able to realize him within the archetype of Logos.
With age, the connector also diminishes and allows the separator come forward, asking, “So what shall I do now in order to become ‘me’. The kids are gone, the grandchildren are leisure and my husband is a part of the household, now it is time to separate myself in my life and make myself happen.” For some, this stage becomes a stage of too much separation with the spiritual realm and much restlessness, and anxiety about health and family.
At the spiritual level, the separator is all about wisdom and the connector about love. Together they need to be balanced to obtain the highest level of truth.